For those unfamiliar with the KJV, the above portion of a verse is found in Phillipians 1:23, where Paul says – 21For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. 22But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not. 23For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better: 24Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you. 25And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith; 26That your rejoicing may be more abundant in Jesus Christ for me by my coming to you again.
I like the KJV rendering because it gives me the visual image of being pulled in two directions – both towards good things. The ESV says “I am hard pressed between the two.”
What do we do when our heart is being pulled in multiple directions – and all the directions are “good”?
On the one side, I am still very invested in fostering. My heart is torn up for these children and families and God has not released me from the burden of the call to bring them into my home and family. But as we near the finalization of our wee one’s adoption and I see our little home with our three girls – I am tempted to keep things “comfortable” for everyone involved. I’m SOOOO tempted to step back from the call and not rock the boat any further. Things are manageable right now. We all fit in our minivan. My mom is not horribly overwhelmed to take the three of them for short periods of time. Traveling is a tiny bit of a challenge, but doable.
On the other hand, my heart is so knitted together with the people of Colombia! Our pastor spoke last night on the importance of going to the ends of the earth with the Gospel and I could literally feel the pull on my heart. We have been financially blessed so that we are able to support missionaries in Colombia, but this call is more personal than that. I had recently tried to brush it off with “Well, maybe our job is to raise children who then go out to the mission field”… but why do I have such a love for these specific people? Why do I long to be there myself?
Right now, there is no door open to Colombia. Plain and simple. Right now is not the right time. We’ve told God that if He desires to open a door, we will walk through it. But right now, there is no door within our view.
In addition, we are very burdened for a specific 17 year old young woman who will age out of foster care in the next several months.
We are currently planning to open our home to more foster children after our adoption is finalized. Lord willing, we intend to purchase a 12 or 15 passenger Ford Transit van to accommodate the family. I actually think this is what kind of scares me! If we get a bigger van, I’m kind of obligated to put more little people into it! And things are so easy right now with our three… *sigh*
Please pray for me, that I will always put His call and His will above my own comfort and convenience – as well as above what other people will think of us. And also that if His intention is to add more children to our family, He will raise up a network of support for us. And finally, that He will make clear what direction He desires for us to walk in.