The past couple of weeks, I’ve been a big ball of emotions. I’m not sure if my grandma’s death is what kicked it off or if it was going to the doctor and finding out I had totally wrecked my lab numbers, but the tears have been just beneath the surface and I’ve been feeling exhausted and overwhelmed (possibly a side effect of going back on Metformin?)
This morning I had an ultrasound scheduled to check the status of my girl parts and make sure my fibroid is behaving and not freakishly growing like it did back in 2005. I have been having a weird fluttering in my lower right abdomen – exactly like when I was pregnant with Alyssa. It has kind of felt like salt being rubbed in the wound of “you’ll never have another biological child”. But I kind of secretly hoped I’d hop up there for my ultrasound and my doctor would find a surprise baby hanging out. That didn’t happen. LOL
I did the cursory disrobing from the waist down, sat on the edge of the exam table staring at the stirrup covers advertising Gardasil, and waited. My doctor walked in – and I burst into tears! Totally did not see that coming. My doctor is SO AWESOME! She asked me what was going on and I told her I had no idea. I just seem to be a hormonal mess the past couple of weeks. We discussed the loss that I am having to deal with in regards to not being able to have a biological child with Scott (I think the ultrasound machine was a huge trigger.) We discussed the loss of my grandmother. We discussed the pending adoption of Baby Girl. I kind of got a therapy session before my ultrasound 😉
While we didn’t become foster parents specifically to adopt, it is easy to imagine that we wouldn’t have started down this road if we were able to have biological children. Had we not taken placement of Baby Girl, what kind of foster home would she have gone to? I look at her and think that ANYONE would be extremely blessed to have her sweet smiles in their life. But the reality is, there are a lot of types of foster homes out there and not all of them are good. And even the ones that aren’t “bad”, may not have been as diligent in advocating for her – particularly if they had other foster placements. There were times that I went straight up the chain of command to remind everyone that this case was one that had the potential to end up on the evening news, should she be reunified. I spent hours online searching court records, jail records, arrest records, and Facebook – reporting everything to our caseworker. It wasn’t that I wanted to prevent reunification so that we could adopt; it was that reunification was NEVER going to be safe and regardless of what her permanency plan was, it could not be reunification! This precious girl had to be kept safe and I was going to do everything within my power to make sure she was (and as a foster parent, that power is minimal.) No matter what the situation is with a child, I want to advocate for what is in their best interest. I am thankful that the courts determined that Baby Girl’s best interest is to be adopted by us. I hate it when people say how lucky she is to have us. The reality is that we are blessed by the laughter that she brings to our family! I’ve always just thought that she would have had the same outcome regardless of where she was placed. But in reality, that isn’t a given. Her outcome could have been very different. I’m not saying it would have. Just that it could have.
Does this realization take away the sting of never carrying a baby who may have my husband’s eyes or my grandma’s nose? No. But it softens it some and I am praying that with time, that longing will go away. I’m approaching the magic “40” number, so the hope can’t hang on much longer, right?
Would I trade Baby Girl for a biological child? Never in a million years. I wonder how many blessings we would miss out on if God always gave us our own way?