Two weeks ago, I began meeting with a Christian counselor. Part of what we have uncovered is that I hold many false beliefs about myself. Supposedly, once you identify false beliefs, you can begin to replace them with Truth. I say “supposedly” because although it makes sense that we can “renew our minds” and although I have heard of research to that affect – I remain skeptical. In completing my first week of homework, I realized where many of these beliefs come from. I really DO believe them and that is troubling. I seem to feel that while certain things apply to others, they somehow don’t apply to me. I suppose that this means I am somehow discounting what Christ has done and I don’t want to do that 😦
The voices that I hear from my childhood are primarily my dad and grandmother’s. They kind of echo each other.
- Love is based upon performance. If I am not perfect, I am unworthy of love.
- Love is based upon appearance. If I am overweight, I am unlovable.
- God is waiting for me to mess up so that He can punish me – probably by taking someone that I love away.
- I will never be good enough to be lovable.
I had not realized that I also hold beliefs about myself based upon my mother’s actions while I was growing up. I do not hear specific things that she said; I feel what her actions said.
- I am not enough. (No matter how much I begged and pleaded, she wouldn’t change her behavior.)
- I am not a priority. (She still communicates this to me today sometimes.)
I’m sure there are more that I am forgetting because my memory is not what it once was, but together they combine to make me feel worthless, unlovable, unattractive, unimportant and completely overwhelmed by all that I must “do” to earn love and acceptance.
In my head, I know that God’s Word is true. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He sees so much worth in me that He gave His Son’s life for me. My heart says that was a really poor trade…
My heart’s desire is to fall so completely in love with Jesus that He is able to wash away the voices and replace them with His Voice. I want to be able to think on truth and apply it accurately to myself, not just to others.